party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
