we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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