accomplished twins. life is a go
I wish you could order shots online.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I didn't notice because vodka
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
