The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
