So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
