Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
