I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My vagina is officially offended.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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