Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
