i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
3pm strippers are depressing
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
