I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
