i love accidental penises.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize