Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
