pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
