the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
