he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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