you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
