Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
