you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
