I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
