Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
