I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
