some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
