Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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