I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
