just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the day after is always just damage control
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize