Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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