My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
