my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
