I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
