One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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