I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
