If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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