I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
