i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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