i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
