John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
