I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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