weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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