Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
