All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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