Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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