He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
