Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
