I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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