After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
