We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
