Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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