Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
