I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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