Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
