She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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