Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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