i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
time to smoke my breakfast
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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