she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
