do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
