Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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